god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
