Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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