so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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