I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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