I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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