i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
