We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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