This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You pole danced in your parka.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
