I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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