Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize