Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
PANTIES FOUND
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