Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
