So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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