just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
