I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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