I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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