I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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