im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
