I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So much rum. So many feels.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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