You don't have asthma, your pregnant
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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