the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
