You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
