I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
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