So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
