I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
