Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
