HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
