Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
