I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
