soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
