Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
