these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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