so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
