If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
