Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
