Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
