He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
