I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize