She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
