When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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