I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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