I just threw up on my dentist
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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