I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
