i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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