Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
