I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
