??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
