last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
