I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
