She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
