I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
