Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
