no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
