New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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