I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I need to sanitize my soul.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
