I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
