The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Congratulations! We have a period
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
