Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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