I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
