Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
