Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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