My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
