you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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