I can tuck mytits in my pants
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
