The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
