i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
