I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize